Campaign Against Scandalous Treatment of Prince Eric of Monaco

The blog has refrained from commenting on Prince Albert II of Monaco and the son he finally had the grace to acknowledge as his. This was mainly because everyone knows the Grimaldis have always shagged pretty much anything that moves, and this story seemed designed to take attention away from the Prince's rumoured homosexuality and taste for unconventional amours in advance of his coronation.

As a German paper commented, the Monagesque people had been "stinksauer" (well pissed off) about the homosexuality rumours, and were relieved dass ihr Fürst endlich seine Manneskraft unter Beweis gestellt hat (that their prince had finally proven his manliness). Well, quite. No use having a pooftah on the throne, is it?

In fact, some of the rumours swirling around the prince's head were too disgusting to bear repeating in a family blog. Not for nothing did the EU Commissioner for Goats, Markos Kyprianou, pay especial attention to Monaco when he kicked off his policy of testing 200,000 European goats.

But now that the Monagesque people have rewarded the prince by acclaiming him as their ruler, the blog feels suddenly guilty and uncomfortable about the matter. Looking at Nicole Coste and her remarkably intelligent looking infant, Eric Alexandre, it is clear that a grave injustice has been perpetrated.

For one thing, there was the ludicrous statement saying that young Eric Alexandre will not be allowed to use his father's surname. Normally speaking this would not matter in the slightest as the Grimaldis (the divine Princess Caroline apart) are a by-word across Europe for fast living and loose morals, and the surname is so tainted with their moral squalor that even fishwives in Monte Carlo unfortunate enough to bear the Grimaldi moniker usually prefer to change it to something more uplifting, like "Esens" or "Capone."

But the charming and attractive-looking Eric Alexandre is clearly a special case, and this petty-minded ruling (which is in any case a dead letter as any child is fully allowed to use his father's family name, should he want to), combined with the equally fatuous decision by Prince Rainier to disbar illegitimate children from the line of succession, has finally tipped the blog over the edge and into a determination to see that justice is done.

Shame on the Princes Rainier and Albert - themselves descendants, through the female line, of an earlier Grimaldi's illegitimate coupling with a dancing girl! How dare such hypocrites deprive Prince Eric of the inheritance that is rightfully his!

The Curse of Von Esens is hereby invoked on Prince Albert for his meanminded actions, and we vow not to rest until the crown is placed firmly on Prince Eric of Monaco's head, where it belongs, and the Coste family succeeds to the Grimaldis as rightful rulers in Monte Carlo.

Nicole Coste - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

RIP: Rainier III of Monaco

Rainier III had a racy and, to older generations, almost unsavoury family background. For starters, he wasn't actually a Grimaldi in the male line - his father was Comte Pierre de Polignac. Pierre was husband to Charlotte Grimaldi, who was born "the wrong side of the blanket" - the daughter of Prince Louis and his mistress, laundrymaid's daughter Marie, who worked in a Montmartre nightclub.

But a few commoners in the family tree isn't the slightest bit uncommon in aristocratic circles and is apt to do nothing but good.

Charlotte Grimaldi once complained of de Polignac that "to make love he needs to put a crown on his head." She herself was legitimised in 1919 to ensure the succession.

Rainier was sent to an English prep school where he was known as "Fat Boy Monaco".

During the war he distinguished himself and won the Croix de Guerre for bravery in action in the Alsace.

At the instigation of Aristotle Onassis he looked for an American movie star to marry. The idea was to lend Monaco more glamour and lustre. When Marilyn Monroe heard of the plan she wasn't interested for herself but claimed that if she were, two days alone with him would suffice to make him hers (Marilyn was under the impression that Monaco was in Africa).

In choosing Gracia Patricia Kelly, however, Rainier hit the proverbial jackpot - not only did she supply glamour by the bucketload, but she was also a dignified and conscientous Princess. Her concupiscence, and the stories about her countless affairs, did nothing to detract from that.

After Princess Grace's untimely death, in a car crash in the hills above Monte Carlo, it was rumoured that Rainier might marry Princess Ira von Fürstenburg. In this connection came Princess Margaret of England's remark that Ira was "too big a woman for so small a principality."

Partly at Onassis' encouragement, Rainier turned Monaco into a concrete jungle where five thousand natives are outnumbered by 24 thousand tax exiles.

Not, perhaps, the most savoury outcome, but one that has returned the Grimaldis to a level of wealth they hadn't been accustomed to before.